MIRI MESSAGE: Father Issues ~ The Unraveling Continues~
Grace is – touching the pain, feeling, without having to go into the trauma and story over and over again AND then this Grace delivers you a new canvas. And it is a blank canvas….at last you don’t have to live from your limitations, fears, traumas any more. ….. you are ready to live from your True Divine Self – free, joyous, unlimited!
Beloved~ How can I create and hold a space of tenderness, wisdom, vulnerability and healing for you, if I haven’t gone in to the depths and my ‘stuff’my self…..with honesty, allowing, willingness, and feeling the emotions that are coming up as best I can. And so yesterday I was taken deep down into the shadows of my issues around control and the pain of having a dad who was of the generation of “I’m the dad so just do what I say.” …… of feeling invisible, not being truly heard, not feeling cared about or seen for who I was, not understanding what I was needing, not being allowed to take the time I needed for something…………fill in your blanks here. . ((Please read on – this all does end with a very precious and wonderful gift!! And this is not about feeling sorry for me…..if you feel tender…..please feel tender towards your self if this is touching something in you))
So yesterday I realized that a friend was pushing my control buttons…..I felt somehow like I was being pushed to do something I wasn’t sure I wanted to do…… And the Knowing was that this wasn’t about what was going on in the present moment with her. There was something deep and ancient in me …….about feeling controlled and powerless, maybe helpless too…..being manipulated into doing something. Ah, the victim…… but this is not the time for intellectual overlays. This was a time to simply be present to exactly what I was feeling.
I happened to be on the phone with a dear friend who was able to listen and I felt safe with her to go deeper…… I asked out loud – what is this controlling stuff really about and the next words that came out of my mouth were – oh, this is about my dad and his controlling, sometimes angry and insensitive ways. My dad - I remembered our last conversation before he left this world….. I was 15 and he was getting ready to drive back to work and he said – ‘Oh, you’re off next week – you’ll come into the store and help me out. And I replied No…… And we argued back and forth…..him trying to control and enforce, me resisting and rebelling. He left saying something like we’ll see about that. Our last words….. He died in a car accident that night.
Having done my share of therapy, EFT and healing inner child work, as I was sharing and processing with my friend yesterday…… I was drawn to connect with the little girl in me. There are many aspects of ourselves we each hold. This one was the age of a toddler. And I saw/felt how she was so sad, overwhelmed and distraught with my dad’s manner of parenting.
And I saw how this ‘control issue’ has so deeply colored my life. “Please see me. Stop trying to just control me. You don’t see me. I am invisible to you. Stop telling me what to do. Stop being so angry.” Seeing and connecting with the feelings and the deep struggles and pain around ‘being controlled and not being seen’… Deep sobs arose as I cried out AS that little girl – “see me, why don’t you see me, why cant you see me, …. “ I allowed the pain I had buried to simply come up, move through me, up and out. And within maybe 5 minutes the crying and shouting was completed…..
I felt the quiet inside of my self……I felt lighter and more expanded. I know I had not just taken the lid off for a bit. This was not a bandaid….I knew I had released some deep big stuck ‘trauma’ and allowed energy and light and love to flow once more.
Grace is – allowing and touching the pain, feeling, just touching the hem of the garment…….without having to go into the trauma and story over and over again …..and allowing Grace to unravel the threads and do most of the healing~
For self preservation, the walls go up and my walls were constructed of I won’t let you in….because it’s too painful to let you in. I could sense the swords pointing out from my abdomen and belly areas. And in keeping the pain and the controlling person out, I saw how I also kept the love out,….. and all the energies of life could not flow through me, as they were designed to. And I also became ‘the controller” of my life, of others……. And that’s another ‘story’.
We all have our coping mechanisms that ultimately limit us and we end up with unsatisfying patterns in friendships, work and partnerships…. We yearn for more, for something different……to feel connection and connected and we are so closed up…. These structures have served us to now. And we are being given the Gracefilled opportunity to release and allow ourselves to be transformed.
Grace is – touching the pain, feeling, without having to go into the trauma and story over and over again AND then this Grace delivers you a new canvas. And it is a blank canvas….finally you don’t have to live from your limitations, fears, traumas any more. ….. you are ready to live from your True Divine Self – free, joyous, unlimited!
More of my walls and structures were collapsing yesterday. The swords were dissolving. The unraveling of this core issue around control continued today…..and I know and trust in my Being that I am being completely gifted with the opportunity to finish this, and to experience and embody Grace. Just like you……. And I am so grateful for the ones who trigger me, who bring up my pain and confusion……unexpected, yet by Divine Appointment…….so that I can allow, feel embrace my self and transmute.
I wish to walk undefended, open and honest and transparent in this world….allowing my Light and Love to shine as brightly as possible. I am so grateful for the opportunity to release what I have been holding through so many lifetimes. Just like you…….
I wanted you to know a little bit more about me…… Our stories and pain are so tender. My experiences and pain allow me to offer you Compassionate Presence and Deep Listening…..so transforming…… I’m here for you. Please come and see me…..you can come for a private session if the Living Grace Workshop doesn’t feel right. You’re ready to be done with holding this pain, I know. I will also help you connect with the little girl/boy who has been living in fear and easily teach you how to become the loving, totally present, listening and attending parent they did not have….. Discover how listening, truly listening and seeing your inner child is what is needed for healing to take place. Grace awaits
What would it be like to become undefended to the flow of life……Live in yes……thank you……. transparent…….Loving Grace
I See You, and I AM in Love with You